I'm A Bad Guy!

“Daddy, I’m a BAD GUY!”

“What!”

“Yeah, I’m a bad guy. Can you make me a ‘bad guy’ hat?”

[Referring to a sort of ‘skull cap’ we make him with his favorite blankie.]

“You’re not a bad guy; you’re a good guy, honey.”

“Nah, I’m a bad guy.”

“Are Mommy and Nannie bad guys, too?” [Just fishing here folks...]

“No they’re good guys!”

“What about me?”

“You’re Daddy.” [Hmmmm...]

After about ten minutes, and after the ‘hat’ fell off…

“Are you still a bad guy?”

“Nope.”

Ahhhh... institutional reform really does work. Just goes to prove, if you lock’em up long enough with no hope of ever seeing the outside world, anybody can be reformed.

Have I said lately, I can’t wait for Spring!

Rabbits

While I normally try to maintain some sense of decorum and decency here at LID, sometimes things just find their way to my inbox that I can’t resist. You may have already received this yourselves, but I’m still ROFLing!

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks,

"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers,

"I weally don’t fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

Big Foot?

It's gonna take a lot more then just wearin' 'em to fill my shoes, buddy!

Happiness Is… Hot Water!

Not to be outdone by Drama Mama’s recent post regarding her adulation for her new floor cleaning apparatus, I wanted to let you know LID has a new appliance that trumps even the best vacuum (and I’m a huge fan of my Dyson knock-off by Hoover, don’t get me wrong)…

A Brand New High-Efficiency, Digitally Controlled, Hot Water Heater.

Hot water for the washing machine, hot showers, using the dishwasher without worry… these are just some of the things my new hot water heater can do. His predecessor served the house well for over 20 years. His time had come. In order to get hot water, I would have to tinker with the burner on a daily basis and then cross my fingers, pray and then drink a beer to overcome my frustrations!

But now… in this age of all things digital… this machine anticipates need, call and adjusts to demand automatically… never leaving someone with shampoo in their hair! Ah…. Modern wonders! And, if that wasn’t enough, supposedly it will cost me a third of what the old one did to operate… the hits just keep on coming!

For those of you who are into this sort of thing… like I am, its recovery rate is 114 gallons per hour. That translates into hot shower after hot shower… continuously… forever! Not to steal anyone else’s thunder… but… Oh, The Joys!!!!

Okay, I’ve gushed enough about an inanimate object.

I need to return to my duties… perhaps a load of dishes in piping hot water that will never run out! Damn… I can’t stop myself!

Order, Planning and Cleanliness Can Bite You In The A%#!

One of the ways I’m surviving successful as a stay-at-home-parent is through order and planning. When I first started my new career, I relied on my acquired skills from my previous profession.

I like plans.

I like order.

I crave neatness.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

But… this can be a double edged sword when dealing with the little people. Children love to mimic, copy, and continually show us what they’ve learned.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? (Although, I’m SURE you do.)

Here’s my latest example…

While looking out the front window the other day (remind me to move the couch away from the windows) the Helper reminded me I was failing in my yard maintenance duties…

“Daddy, look at YOUR yard… you have to go and clean it up!”

“It’s winter, honey, we don’t do anything with the yard in the winter.”

“Yeah… it’s a MESS!”

Obvious first thought,
So is YOUR room.
Then I remembered… He makes me clean that up too.

So instead, I offered,
“When it gets warmer out WE’LL have to clean up the property.”

To which I was told, with a tone of disgust,
“Yeah… just look at the MESS!”

Children learn most effectively by observing others. We’re soooo proud of them when they emulate us -- even when they’re throwing it back in our face!

Sometimes You Just Need Your Mommy!

“Daddy, where’s Mommy?”

“She’s had to go to work honey, she’ll be home later.”

“But who’ll take care o’me?”

“I will, sweetie.”

“No… can I talk to Mommy on the phone?”

[After a phone call to Mommy where she reassured him she’ll be home as soon as she can.]

“Mommy be home soon to take care’o’me!

“Okay.”

[Literally, five minutes later...]

“Daddy, can I have somefin’ to eat?”

“Daddy, can you help me in the potty?”

“Daddy, can you get my blankie?”

“Daddy, can you put my shows on?”

“Daddy, can you get me somfin’ to drink?”

“Sure Buddy! See I can take care of you too!”

“No… Mommy takes care’o’me, you get me stuff!”

Sometimes you just need your Mommy…

Why is it...?

This list could go on forever, so I’ve limited it to only today’s issues. As parents, things come up that always beg the question, “Why is it….?” Here’s today’s offering:

Why is it…

… that a well fed, clean, sleeping 4 month old will immediately awake when his father starts running water for a shower… yet sleep through an hours long vacuuming session?

… a requested snack, once prepared, is summarily deemed “yucky!”

… when you can’t take any more… more comes?

… that the kitchen garbage is always full?

… three men can’t seem to nap at the same time?

… if three men do manage to fall asleep at the same time… the dogs’ bladder’s reach maximum capacity at the point all six eyes shut?

… a four month old immediately regurgitates upon being dressed in a clean garment?

… a baby will wait until their diaper is off to poop?

… a perfectly made bed begs a four year old to jump in it?

… a recently cleaned pair of eyeglasses needs the adornment of little finger prints?

… when the coffee maker is clean and you have a full bag of beans, the milk instantly sours and the sugar is empty?

… I can’t stop this list?

… once you’ve cleaned your junk and spam email folders they instantly show a new item?

… that it’s always the favorite toy that disappears, and never the old crap?

… that when asked, a four year old’s response is always, “I don’t remember!”?

Any help in answering these questions would be greatly appreciated! I’ve seemed to have lost all sense of logic and reason in the past few years…

Kids, Pets and Death!

An old adage says, “When you buy life, you buy death, too.” Those of us with pets understand that they will not live forever. But, when the time comes, explaining it to your children it can be a difficult thing. One thing, I really try to convey to my children is a sense of compassion and charity for others, and all life matters… except for bees, wasps and moths, some spiders… well you get the idea!

At what age does a child learn that life has an end?

Nobody ever “dies” on Playhouse Disney.

You’ll remember, a few weekends ago, the Helper, his sister and I stopped off to buy some new fish. I had just re-set up our tank… clean and beautiful. It had sat for a week without any swimmers, letting the water and temperature adjust gradually. But then we were ready. To be honest, the Helper was getting a little antsy about not having any fish in the tank… sort of a “why bother” attitude. So we bought two big, beautiful, 29¢, goldfish. No more $6.99 tropical fish for me. The pressure of feeding the other six mouths is enough.

All was fine for a couple of weeks… then last night things started to head downhill. One of our new fish was dying. Not a big shock! I was surprised they had made it that long. Yes, I remembered to feed them. So here’s last night’s conversation on the passing of his new fish… my compassionate son:

“Daddy, the fish is tired, he’s laying on the bottom… I think he’s cryin’” [Compassion; Proud Dad]

“I know, Sweetie, he’s sick, I don’t think he’s going to be with us much longer.”

“You mean he’s gonna DIE!” [Shocked Daddy; Didn’t even know he knew that word.]

“Yeah, Honey… he’s probably going to die.” [Honest Dad]

“Okay… [Introspective 4 year old thinking] How do we get him out of there?”

“With a net, Honey.”

“Great, then we can go buy a new one! Tomorrow!”

So much for compassion for all living things. Hopefully, when the time comes for the pets of a furry nature to pass he’ll have a little more remorse. And, hopefully, that’s not for a very long time.

Now, my concern is, if I happen to get sick and lie around will he pester the Mommy to take him to the store to buy a new Daddy?

“Mommy… Daddy’s sick…He’s gonna die, can we go get a new one tomorrow?”

And when it started you thought this was going to be a serious discussion, didn’t you?

…Have you met the Helper?

Well, back to the "wars" folks, have a great day! I have to go scrounge up a quarter for a new fish!

I Can't Believe I Just Said That...

The Helper has taken this helping Daddy clean a bit too far, I think...

Running around the house with his own dustbuster (you know - the battery operated toy ones - that actually work), the Helper was cleaning every nook and cranny. What a guy! Until...

"Christopher, STOP VACUUMING THE CAT!"

"Why? He likes it!"

"STOP - RIGHT NOW!"

"Oooookaaaaaaay."

Cat's fine, though he's hiding now... I may not see him until spring! The Helper continues to remove dust and dirt from the building. I think he was just thinking why wait until the cat's hair is on the pillows... I'll just suck it off his body... eliminate the middle man!

God, I Love This Kid... always thinking!

Damn It!

In true MAN fashion...

Last night I got a phone call from my wonderful MIL. You'll remember that the Helper was staying with her overnight. While trying to contain her laughter she recounted an event that took place while she was preparing dinner.

The Helper had informed Nannie that he needed to use the potty before dinner... so off he went. A few minutes later she hears,

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!"

She rushed to the bathroom to see what was causing his profane outbursts.

Upon arriving at the bathroom door, the Helper informed her,

"It didn't go in the hole, it sprayed everywhere, it ruined everything!"

She calmly explained that nothing was ruined... and decided it was probably not a good time to discuss his language.

Lessons to teach:

1. No cursing at Nannies...ever!
2. A tool in the hands of a novice can be a dangerous thing!
3. What happens in the bathroom... stays in the bathroom!

This parenting thing never, ever stops!

Will Someone Please Stop The Voices?

The Helper has left for his overnight stay at Nannie’s. I still have the Baby and much cleaning to tackle, but these voices in my head won’t stop!

“Daddy, can I have some more water?”

“Daddy, can I have some bread from the toaster?” [The Helper doesn’t call it ‘toast’]

“Daddy, c’mere, I have to show you somefin’”

“Daddy…”

“Daaaaaaaaaaaaadyyyyyyyyyy…”

This usually only lasts an hour or so, but today it seems to be lingering a little longer. Every time I hear a noise I turn around expecting a three foot whirlwind, but nothing. Suffice it to say my nerves may be a little frayed.

I will now resort to the only known cure… vacuuming! The sweet sound of suction will put an end to my delirium… or so I hope!

Elephant Ears?

Another reason being a Stay-At-Home-Parent ROCKS!

Job Duty # 56: Self-Esteem Builder.

Mama never told me there’d be days like this…

[The Helper runs into living room with hands over ears.]

“Daddy my ears are BIG!”

“What? No they’re not!”

“Yes they are…BIG like ELEPHANT’S!”

“Honey your ears are just FINE, they’re PERFECT, you’re PERFECT!”

“No, c’mon see, I’ll show you!”

[Leads the Daddy into his room, hops up on his bed, and looks in mirror, while pushing his ears forward with his hands.]

“See… BIG like ELEPHANT’S!”

“Honey, they’re perfect, you’re a very handsome boy, your ears are fine, Okay?”

“Okay.” [Not sounding too convinced]

A half hour later I go into his room, he’s laying on his bed holding two little story books against his head.

“Baby, what are you doing?”

“ELEPHANT EARS!”

Okay, this is just a phase. It’s one of those things that will go away once we stop talking about it. When pre-school age children discover their appearance, all bets are off, though it’s better with boys than with girls, I’ve found! We’ll see what happens today. You can’t make this stuff up!

Perhaps, he saw the news report, yesterday, that Prince Charles is visiting the U.S.

Do you think the Prince had a similar conversation with the Queen when he was four?

"Oh, Mummy, my ears are big like elephants."

"Yes, Yes they are my son... but you'll be King one day."

THAT'S IT!... NO MORE CNN BEFORE BED!

Case of the Missing Sock

(Edited below after a content review by the Mommy... seems my recollection isn't what it used to be.)

While on the surface the story below may not seem that unusual, the visual of a 4 year limping 50 feet to avoid contact with my sterile floor coverings is in itself...

The other night the Helper limped into the living room and notified us that he was missing a sock. He was limping as to not touch the floor with his bare foot. Why? I don't know! Some questions are best left unanswered, folks!

"Can you help me find my sock, it's lost?" he asked globally.

"Where did you leave it honey?" the Mommy asked, barely containing her hysterics.

"I don't know, it looks like RED!" he provided, in a slightly panicked tone.

"Okay, I'll help you find it!" Mommy said in a reassuring tone, still suppressing a strong desire to inquire about the limping, though tears of her contained amusement were starting to show.

Daddy was trying very hard himself not to burst out in laughter... an action that could possibly create a mental scar for life... something we try to avoid, if at all possible.

Needless to say, the sock was found and donned by the boy. He returned to the living room in a normal gait to show off his recovered stocking. Another crisis avoided! His mental health intact!
Though, I will continue to keep crutch and cane manufacturers bookmarked for future emergencies... just in case.

The Sweet Smell Of Success

LektricShave – The Grandfather’s Scent, a young boy dreams of the day his first whisker will sprout.

Old Spice – The Father’s Scent, a young boy beginning a lifetime of facial hair removal uses this for the first time.

Calvin Klein, Halston, Aramis – The dancing, dating and decadence of the eighties.

Polo, Geoffrey Beene, Perry Ellis – Jobs are now careers, leather portfolios replace spiral notebooks and business cards take over for numbers on napkins.

Eau de Isomil – A sweet fragrant aroma that wafts throughout the house. Estate planning and 401K’s interfere with wide-eyed dreams. A clean T-Shirt = Luxurious Apparel. Nothing says sexy more than the odor of soy based infant formula.

"Go To Your Room!"

While I was correcting some rude behavior this morning the Helper responded with:

"Daddy, I'm going to my room now, DON'T FOLLOW ME!"

So much for using, "Go to your room!" as a future threat. Perhaps if there were no toys, no bed, no creature comforts... and no heat, it might return to the arsenal of behavior management tools.
He never ever slams his door though; the Mommy has made it quite clear, from the beginning, that if any child ever slammed a door to their room she would immediately instruct the Daddy to remove it... forever! A deterrent that has worked to this day. It is our belief that privacy under our roof is a privilege not a right!

I didn't follow, he returned five minutes later under his own power offering "an apology" for his previous behavior...

"Daddy, I'm not mad at you anymore!"

A Good Time Was Had By All

The Helper wants to thank all of you for your birthday wishes! He had a great time, as predicted. We ate, ate and ate, again! One of the advantages of Mommy's career is that, occasionally, we benefit from her years of experience. Mommy is a fantastic chef... Chicken Francaise at a child's birthday, who knew? The Helper only eats about ten things so the meal was for us adults... he didn't care though -- presents were his fuel.

Helper-ism of the Day:
(Immediately prior to the big event's commencement.)



"Many, many, many (8-10 in all) people will be coming and we'll dance! We'll put on 'Life Is A Highway' and dance."

That boy really knows how to have a good time! Yes, there was dancing, but not by yours truly. His Godmother and our good friend Erica danced with the boy for an hour, after most of the guests departed. (Faithful readers will remember these are the two people who took him to see Santa at the mall -- such good friends.) One advantage of having your computer tied to your whole house entertainment system is being able to customize the musical mood. Though, my iTunes playcount for "Life Is A Highway" is now 65, the Helper has been asleep for 14 straight hours. The boy certainly knows how to party... and he didn't even have any of Mommy's exquisite Margarita's. Happy Birthday, Buddy!

A Party for Me?

The "big day" has finally arrived. Food's been purchased, house has been cleaned and "Cars" party accessories will adorn the festivities.
My little baby boy is no longer little. He walks, he talks, he washes dishes, he carries on adult conversations. He's funny, he's cute, he's perfect and... he's another year older. Ah, Father Time sometimes you're a cruel, cruel man.
While is the bathroom last night, the Mommy decided to remind the Helper that his party was today...

"A party for MEEEEE?!? Don't forget to say surprise!," the Helper exclaimed.

It's not a surprise party, folks. Who could keep a surprise from a 4 year old, especially when he went along to shop for the party favors. It's just his way of showing appreciation for our efforts.

I Love Him So!

For those who are interested, I will post a brief synopsis of the big event, perhaps with a few pics., and any "Helper-isms" that might come up. It's still early and I have coffee to drink before some final "touch-ups." You know, kids and all.

Thanks for the visit, see you soon!

I Don't Yell Often But...

I don't yell often. It's one of those items I save in the "parenting arsenal" and only break out when absolutely necessary. Without going into the gory details, suffice it to say -- crayons and a kitchen table (one I built and finished myself).

"Daddy, slow down, take a deeeeeep breath and stop yelling. I hear you!"

I did, I did and I did!

You Asked For It... You Got It!

As per your requests, here’s another chapter in The Daddy & His Helper…

After I fed the baby and put him down for his morning nap I slipped in a quick shower. As most of you can relate to, one must take advantage of these “breaks in the action.”

As a man with a #3 buzz cut, my showers don’t last very long and I always keep the door open to listen for breaking glass or the smell of smoke.

As he usually does, the Helper came to visit me during my morning ritual.

He updates me on his last 3 minutes of activity:

“Daddy, I need my crayons and paper, please!”

“One minute buddy, Daddy will be right out.”

“Okay.”

[He disappears and returns a couple minutes later.]

“Daddy, I’m sitting at the kitchen table fixing your WATCH!”

“What?!”

“I’m fixing your WATCH, it’s broken.”

“Okay, honey let Daddy finish, I’ll be right there!”

“’Kay!”

(Important Tidbit: My watch is great; a beautiful Timex Expedition with a digital compass. No… I don’t go hiking in the wilderness -- I don’t camp either. I have no need for the compass except it makes me happy and lets me know what direction I’m going… a man and his toys.)

After finishing up the task at hand, I proceeded to the kitchen to survey the damage. The watch’s display was showing characters resembling the Cyrillic alphabet. I don’t speak Russian so this is going to take a while.... Now where did I put that little tiny owner's manual.

“See Daddy, didn’t I do a great job? I fixed it for you?”

“You sure did buddy!”

Suffice it to say I will be running in circles for the rest of the day… “North! North! Where the Hell is North!”

Today’s Lessons:

1. Don’t touch things that don’t belong to you!
2. Safeguard all personal property before leaving a room!
3. Order “Learn to speak Russian in 500 easy steps” from Amazon.com

For those of you who just can’t get enough Helper, check out this post “Laugh or Cry: A Top Ten List” – an oldie but a goody!